It would be nice if life was simple, and everyone fitted into neat little boxes. All the personality tests would give you all the information that you needed and life would be full of hugs and puppies. (Maybe not the hugs.)
But it’s not. People are multifaceted and have different layers, and often we have no idea what is just below the surface.
To many I look confident. I know this. There are not many people who could comfortably film themselves dancing in a dressing room and then post it on the Internet.
I act confident. I tell people I’m awesome. (Cause I am!) I act like everyone knows who I am cause why shouldn’t they?
Yes, I am confident to a degree. I have faith in my writing skills. I know that being a clown can make people laugh. But at the same time, I am well aware that I am a small fish in a big pond. I know that I am completely inconsequential to many and, I assume, to most. I become despondent easily. Several times a day I wonder why I try so hard.
I feel like a failure as a mother, because I yell too many times.
I feel like a failure as a wife, because I am so exhausted from the arguments in my head, some days I don’t want to talk to my husband.
I feel like a failure as a friend because I like my space.
I feel like a failure as blogger because I can’t seem to get any further than I currently am.
In so many ways, so many days, I see the good in me, but I also see the bad. But what is good is usually understated, and what is bad is usually overstated. I assume the worst. It protects me. It means I’m not setting myself up for false hope.
It’s not so much good vs bad as it is truth vs lies.
And in the battle between truth and lies, the lies usually win. They are much more believable.
Today (Thursday) was a fat day.
Yesterday was a fat day.
Tuesday was a skinny day.
And yet my weight never changed, my clothes didn’t move sizes, and there was nothing obviously different. It’s just that I today I couldn’t see the good; it was only the negative.
When I wrote about my struggles with my weight perceptions a few weeks ago, it hit a raw nerve with many people.
Apparently I’m not alone. It seems many of us like to tear ourselves apart in the mirror.
I think we just like to tear ourselves apart.
It got me thinking why do we do it? I know, for me, I assume that it is because the things that are ‘wrong’ with me, are the things that are obvious to everyone else. When I go out, no doubt there is a great big red arrow floating around my hips screaming ‘muffin top here!’
So because I believe that others look at what’s wrong with me, I try and find what’s ‘wrong’ with them, because then I’ll feel better about myself.
Except I don’t.
Because really, these people with their flaws are people I love and they are beautiful and I want to see the good in them and not try and make them worse to make me feel better.
And to write that I do this sometimes… that was incredibly hard to admit.
I’ve decided to change my thinking. I refuse to look at people like that anymore. I will not notice if their pants fit better than mine, or if their arms are more toned. I will see them; beautifully and wonderfully made.
But it begins with me. I need to change my thinking when I see myself. I need to realise that my body is beautiful, and it is not overweight, and it is not flawed. It is mine. Made the way God planned, and God doesn’t make mistakes.
I am worth thinking better of myself. I am worth trying. I am worth being loved.
I do not fit into a nice little box. Personality wise I can tell you I’m a melancholy choleric, but that is a strange combination. I’m not a perfectionist but I am artistic. I’m prone to strong emotions, and I love to lead.
I am me. I am Jess. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a blogger, a crazy vlogger and a child of God.
I am beautiful.
Please take the time to look at the video clip. (Even better on a mobile device, because the sound is muted on computers due to copywrite laws)
And then take the time to look at you. Pick out your good bits. Ignore what’s wrong, and see the beauty.