In the lead up: for ultimate Father’s Day
Failure success, you need to prepare the week before hand. I highly recommend the following:
Make sure you don’t order gifts online. Yes it might be what he asked for, and yes that will mean it arrives at your door with no need for you to go anywhere, but instead of being responsible about it, make a big song and dance about postage being expensive, and how you can shop locally instead.
Secondly, make sure you expose at least one of your children to some kind of bug. Preferably one that’s highly contagious so it can spread through the family.
In the week prior to Father’s Day...
On the Monday... Don’t go shopping for Father’s Day gifts. You’ve got all week.
On the Tuesday… Also don’t go shopping. Plan an incredibly busy day that includes grocery shopping. Whilst there, grab some Toblerone, or other ‘dad’ like chocolates, as a ‘top-up’ gift.
On the Wednesday... After a fitful night sleep being up and down with two of your children, decide to keep one home, from school because he’s just not well. Quickly go to the post office to post any interstate cards, and then go home. Sick child needs rest, so he will be fine tomorrow.
Discover later, said cards never arrived on time. 🙁
On the Thursday…. Accept (after about 4 hours sleep), that sick child is still sick, and so is his sister. Keep both kids home from school and push aside any worry about not enough shopping time. If they are still sick tomorrow, you can duck out on Saturday.
On the Friday... Wake up with an almost migraine that makes moving your head feel like walking through concrete. Thank God that it’s a pupil free day and no one needs driving anywhere. Spend the day on the couch doing absolutely nothing, but drinking water and taking pain killers. Hope that one day of rest will knock it on the head and you can go shopping tomorrow.
On the Saturday…. Emerge from bed with slightly less sore head, but significantly more sore ears. At this point, your cold should have ramped up to the point that you feel vague and dizzy at all times and cannot possibly operate heavy machinery. Refuse to believe this, and choose to be a hero by driving to the shops anyway. Reverse out of the driveway, realise you can’t do it, and burst into tears. Your husband will be significantly moved to take you to the chemist where they give medication that makes you super drowsy and even more vague. Sleep the rest of the day away.
On Fathers Day…. Wake up feeling super rested and great. Realise that it is in fact Father’s Day and not only do you have no gifts, you have also forgotten to get your non-school-attending child to make a card.
Feel guilty and make the best accidental pancakes of your life. (Accidental because you have no idea what you did to tweak the recipe and make them so fluffy.)
Remember that you have the chocolate in the cupboard, and get small child to present that to dad whilst promising a Father’s Day reprise next weekend.
Later in the day, fail to get him a plate of food at the church lunch whilst he makes everyone’s coffees. Redeem yourself slightly by snagging him the last piece of Mars bar and Malteser slice. Make sure your failure (and following recovery), here is public.
Upon arriving home, discover that your entire gift-giving plan has come into fruition, and you have in fact bequeathed your partner with the dreaded cold. Cuddle on the couch and fall asleep watching How I Met Your Mother on DVD.
Later on, offer him some of your drowsy making medicine in order to save him from the worst of the cold that you’ve suffered. This act in itself will make you a hero, and will forgive all the other slights of what has appeared to be, a completely dodgy Father’s Day.
For bonus points: feel extra guilty about how much you stuffed it up, and make the whole day about how you suck, even though he doesn’t think so. Realise that chocolate, awesome pancakes, hand-made cards (from the kids at school), and a nap on the couch is pretty much a perfect way to spend the day, by anyone’s standards.
Congratulate yourself on picking the best person to spend your life with, because he can see that even when you can’t.
And that’s how you win at Father’s Day.