When it comes to bedtime, I’m a bit of a nazi; it’s seven or seven thirty, depending on which child you are. No discussions, no exceptions, and no arguments.
Try to prolong your nightly slumber with drink requests, toilet visits or just hanging round in the hallway, and you will soon begin to see just how impatient a mummy I can be.
Being a mum is my job. And before anyone tells me how it’s so much more (which it is,) it’s also my job. It doesn’t pay well, the holidays are non-existent, and the hours are pretty crappy.
Hence the non-negotiables of bed time.
It’s not just sleeping time for my offspring; it’s knock off time for mummy.
Which is why, there is nothing I resent quite so much, as the late night poo.
Sometimes, known as the midnight poo.
Maybe you’ve experienced this phenomena in your house, but if not, this is how it works.
You have been working all day; cleaning, cooking, teaching, encouraging, cuddling, supervising, playing with ballerina’s and cars simultaneously, waiting for the part of the day when everyone will finally close their eyes, and you can maybe relax for five minutes.
Or alternatively catch up on all the jobs they refuse to let you do, uninterrupted.
Bed time has arrived. You have survived witching hour, cooked a balanced meal, helped with all the homework, washed, dried, and dressed the kids, read a story, sang a song, done the bed night prayers, and in your mind you have finished.
The jobs are done, you have knocked off.
Then you hear this:
You ignore it. Maybe it will go away.
“Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmy.” If possible, your name is being dragged out even longer than the initial call.
You consider the options. Hopefully, it’s just something like a ‘chicken’ outside the window, (It was actually a pigeon) and so you call back.
“Go to sleep!”
The next words you hear will break your heart and leave you looking longingly at your barely touched wine glass, like it is perhaps the last thing you will ever see.
“I did a poo!”
There is nothing for it.
You can hope that maybe your other half may take one for the team, but you know before you say anything thing that the response is going to be ‘She’s asking for you.’
It’s not the poo so much that I resent, though that’s not exactly my favourite thing.
It’s the principle.
I was done for the day!
The card was punched, the office closed, the phone switched to message bank, whatever!
I was done.
It’s the equivalent of getting home from an actual place of employment, cracking a beer, and then getting called back in to clean the toilets NOW.
Can you see how that would suck?
Now at the moment, our late night pooer is still in a cot, so at least she is stuck in there to scream at me about her bowel movements, rather than trawl the hallway to prolong bed time, but the big time bed is going to be a necessity in the very near future.
Our midnight poo machine is also a giant baby and is going to need more space.
Thankfully, when she does make the transition, I have these gorgeous sheets from The Sleep Store to put on her bed.
My hope though, is that upon receiving her new bed, she will love it and her new sheets so much, not only will she never want to leave it, but will also be adverse to soiling it with any kind of body excrement.
The Sleep Store, has a huge range of bedding, sleep wear, and furniture itself to make sleep a (hopefully) desirable experience for any small person, and they are currently running a $15 000 giveaway.
To get your hands on some of the fabulous stock, just follow the links, and you too may have your own soil free polka dot sheets.
And if you have any tips for a half crazed mother who would like to enjoy the nightly peace without the mention of poo, please pass them on.
Or pass the wine.
I’m not fussy.