I’m just going to come out here and say it: I think I write well; it’s one thing I’m actually confident about.
And I think I write interesting stuff too. I feel like I do ok with the balance of serious and light hearted, and just down right crazy stuff.
If you’re not a blogger, you may not understand the power of a comment, or a follow, or a page view. Blogging is more than just writing a few careful words and posting them on the Internet; it’s an extension of yourself. A poor reaction, or no reaction at all, can feel a lot like personal rejection; it immediately comes with the questions what’s wrong with me? What am I doing that I shouldn’t be? What am I not doing that I should?
It’s no secret that I’m a little bit of a nutter.(Have you seen me dance with Bob?)
I’m also passionate.
I’ve spoken of my faith quite a few times.
There are lots of different parts about me that I put out here, (almost as many pairs of shoes as I tried on last week,), and they all get varying results.
As I’ve got older, I’ve learn to be more comfortable in my own skin. I don’t worry so much about what people think as I used to, and yet….sometimes, this blog thing bothers me.
At the same time that I wrestle with this whole issue, Taylah is having her own.
She is just as crazy as me. She has the same weird sense of humour; she is the one in her group of friends who will step out of the status quo for a laugh, or a bit of fun.
I love this about her. It’s fun to be the crazy one; I’m excited that she is living that for herself.
But she doesn’t have the friends for it. These girls take advantage of her spunk and use it for their own popularity, and then make fun of her for it. They are eight and nine year old girls in all their b****y glory.
Yesterday, whilst in the kitchen, Taylah did something. Not really sure what it was because I was busy with dinner prep, and to be perfectly honest, I’m about as immune to her craziness as she is to mine. I answered with a busy ‘yes Taylah.’
What she said next, broke my heart. ‘You think I’m being stupid don’t you? That’s what my friends say.’
I stopped and looked at her. It was the way it was said that caught my attention. The glib responses, but the heart underneath. I know that. Feeling the euphoria of being yourself, but burdened by feeling like yourself is not quite what everybody wants.
I realised I need to address this, and address it now. I’m not sure quite how, but I don’t want her to feel that rejection, or believe that somehow she is not quite good enough. I want her to know that who she is is A-MAZE-ing! (as Bailey would say)
I realise that I have let her down. My business, my indifference to who she really is, has not built her up. It has crushed her. I often remark how the kids don’t even blink shown I do something stupid like crazy kitchen dancing, but the truth is, I don’t either when Taylah does. I roll my eyes and keep doing whatever it is I’m doing. I need to validate her. I need to join in. I need her to realise that even if she is the only person in her school who finds the joy in quirkiness, at least she has a partner in me too.
I was talking with some friends this morning about how we parents love to push our kids. We start when they are really little; we want them to be the first to roll, or crawl, or walk. We want them to talk early and well. They go to school and we want them to be the best readers, and write the best stories. To count the highest, and run the fastest.
We want them to excel.
There is nothing wrong with this. There is something wrong though, when we push them in a way that they are not designed to go. Any parent can tell you that no two kids are cut from the same cloth; even siblings can be so completely opposite. And just because they will all learn to talk, or write, or run, some of them will be better at it than others, and there is nothing wrong with that.
There is a problem when our desires for our kids success means that we are actually pushing them too hard, and not accepting them for who they are. When you boil it right down, that’s exactly what it is. We would rather have the cleverest kid in the class, than have our own.
And maybe that comes from our own lack of self esteem. Maybe it’s because we would actually rather be someone else than who we are. We want to be thinner, or funnier, or smarter, or richer, or have more blog followers.
I’ve spent a lot of the past week chastising myself for talking too much. (as evidenced by yesterday’s vlog) It seems I always have something to say, and to be honest I get sick of my own voice.
Now this could just be a lesson to me to learn to be a better listener, but at the same time it is also a lesson to me to just enjoy being me. This is who God made me, in all my talkative glory. (Boatman doesn’t think I talk to much, which is saying something!)
There is always going to be some character quality about myself that needs work or improvement, and that’s ok. Just as there will always be some character quality my children need help with. But it’s one thing to understand the need for improvement, and another to believe you should scrap the whole personality and start from scratch.
I want to be the kind of parent, who whilst encouraging my kids, doesn’t push them where they are not meant to go. I want to guide them in their own unique way, and love them the way they are, just for being who they are.
But I also want to be person who is like that. Who doesn’t try to be who others want, but enjoys being me, and stops constantly finding fault. The kind of person who can say with confidence, (and not in a boasty way,) I write well. I like to write. This is a great part of who I am.
I think, as I work on my heart, I can better help Taylah work on hers, and see her own gorgeous glory.
And I do so love her heart,
Just like I love mine.
My comment box is a bit emo, and sometimes seemingly goes on vacation. If you’d like to post a comment, or eavesdrop on someone else’s, click
On the post title and watch it magically appear!