Should I write this post?
Maybe, maybe not. I think I’ll write it anyway and decide about publishing later.
I’ve been blogging for almost two years, and in that time I’ve never had a troll, or anything more than a respectfully stated difference of opinion. I’m kind of insanely proud of that. It’s probably just luck, but I am very conscious of what I put here. I think about everything. There are times when I make mistakes and use words I really shouldn’t, but I try to learn from those mistakes and do better next time.
I had my first negative experience this week, and oddly enough it wasn’t on the blog, but in the flesh. (The blog would have been better) I’m not going to go into detail, because at the crux of it was the issue that perhaps my words make specific people look bad. I hope not. I try not to.
I’m sorry if they hurt you.
But I’m not sorry for what I said.
I have a right to an opinion, and a set of beliefs. I have the right to express those beliefs where and how I see fit, to a degree.
As a country we don’t actually have freedom of speech. Our words can be used against us.
I don’t live like I have freedom of speech; I live trying to be conscious that words have power and that power can tear down and build up. I don’t allow myself the freedom to say exactly what I want to say, because sometimes, that would be more than wrong. It would hurt people and I don’t want to do that at all.
I’m a writer; I understand the beauty of words and the thrill of crafting them. Of taking nouns and adjectives and metaphors and turning them into something beautiful for the eye. That’s my passion.
I love it.
So the words I put here, on Facebook and Twitter are not just randomly thrown together for something to say; they are my thoughts and my feelings carefully placed together to create meaning.
I don’t apologise for the words I say.
I own them.
And today I was judged for them.
I’ve been racking my brain, trying to determine if I was wrong; if I was out of line. And I don’t think so. I don’t feel bad or guilty; I feel saddened what I said was taken the wrong way and hurt someone, but not for the words themselves.
Having said that, I’ve been sitting on my couch, twiddling my thumbs playing games. I’m scared at the moment.
Of my blog.
I feel like my safe place has been violated, and I don’t know where to go any more. For a few seconds I almost felt ready to shut it all down, because I couldn’t bear the thought of it being attacked again.
Rather extreme I know.
Instead I’ve decided to just get back on my horse; to reclaim my space.
I have made mistakes and I will make the again, but I’ll also just keep trying to do what’s right and be a blessing. To make you laugh, to make you think, and to make you do the occasional happy dance.
Everyone needs the occasional happy dance.
This is my space.
I’m owning it.
Linking with Grace