Ill let you in on a secret; I have this plan for world domination. (Don’t we all?)
It started right here on this blog. Phase two was when the NAB foolishly bravely let me
brain wash coach young AFL wannabes. Pretty soon you’re going to see my face in Times Square.
I’m about to roll out part three of my evil ingenious plan.
I’m changing the landscape of shopping as we know it.
I love shopping. I’m a girl, it’s stereotypical but true. If I haven’t shopped for a little while, I feel the itch.
I don’t need to spend a lot of money, or even any really. I just need to wander and browse and enjoy the prettiness of lots of new stuff.
What I don’t like about shopping is people.
They kind of ruin the experience for me.
Not the mums with screaming kids; let’s face it, on any given day that could well be me.
No, the people who really push my buttons are those who just have no consideration for
where I am walking others at all. It’s disgusting.
Thursday I did some birthday shopping for Miss Bridie. I entered the shops armed with food to keep my kids entertained, a list, and a fiery passion to get it all done.
My children, were marvelous. A bag of Doritos each, and then a blue slushy meant I barely heard from them at all, and because they were both sitting in the trolley, I could walk at a decent pace and escape the shops before buying lunch became a necessity.
But as usual, people get in the way.
So, as I browsed the shops picking up a lay by, and trying girl shoes on Bailey to make sure they would fit Bridie, I came up with a plan, to stop all the clueless people, ruining my shopping adventures.
And this is where the world domination comes into play.
Below, you will find a detailed explanation of the new shopping rules, soon to be rolled out in a Westfield near you.
- Everyone should always walk to the left.
- Shopping aisles will be divided into six lanes; three to the left and three to the right.
- The two most inner lanes will be the express lanes. These lanes will be allocated to single people shopping alone, who want to get in and out of the shop without being stuck behind those who insist on walking at a snails pace.
- The middle lanes on each side will be the family lanes. Allocated to couples or families with children contained in either trolleys or prams. This lane will be naturally a little slower paced than the express lane, but will still make for a successful shopping trip.
- The final lane, closest to the left is the car pool lane. If you like to shop with every single member of your family walking beside you so that not one person can pass whilst you stroll along talking about the latest family event, this is the lane for you. It’s also a great place for those with a walking cane, and at the other end of the spectrum, social teenagers who think the world revolves around them, and families who let their toddlers loose. It’s quite a safe place for that. Errant children will have buckleys chance getting pass granny with her cane, the teenage girls strutting their stuff, and the big Greek family who are planning the next wedding. And switching lanes won’t happen, cause the responsible people in lane two will either send them back or run them over with their trolleys.
So everybody wins.
Shopping centres, when rolling out the changes will be required to provide exit Ramps for maximum viewing pleasure, and in big complexes where there is an intersection dilemma, traffic lights might not go astray.
Or even just a give way sign.
Or a big red Stop.
Other basic common sense information should also be relayed to shoppers; particularly those of the Y variation who are clearly unsure at how lethal a cranky mother with a full trolley can be.
This information will include the following:
- Trolleys, like cars, are harder to stop the faster they are going. If you see someone pushing one quickly in an attempt to keep her children quiet, DO NOT walk in front of her. Instead, you could try running for cover.
- Image Credit
- A mother without children at the shops, is a beautiful sight to behold. She may alternate between dawdling and gazing at beautiful things, or walking at break neck speed. Because. She. Can.
- It would do you well to not stop suddenly in front of a woman with a shopping trolley full of oversized toddlers and enough groceries to feed the western half of Africa. Have you ever had your ankles run over by an errant trolley? Prepare to.
- Babies are cute. Toddlers are cute. Double that with adorable twins and you have cuteness glorified. Cranky mums who have been stopped umpteen times by baby gazers are not so much. See point four.
- Comments or disdainful gazes at any food or food type substitute that a woman chooses to give her child to
shut them upenhance her shopping experience, will not be tolerated.
All rules must be adhered to in the strictest sense, or shoppers will be evicted without explanation, and doomed to a life of eBay shopping.
Any complaints can be directed to centre management.
But only with the application of wine.