I seem to have lost my mojo.
I am mojoless, which is a very sad state of affairs. I quite like my mojo. It’s nice to want to do things.
I’m blaming it on the weird headspace I’m in at the moment. There is just no room for mojo or anything else there. Even children’s non-stop chatter is infuriating me, because there are so many thoughts competing for pride of place in my mind; I just can’t handle any extra details on who is not cleaning their room first.
There’s a battle in my mind and the causality is me; everyone now and then one of the front runners wins out for a time.
Deep Existential Thoughts:
My mind is full of them; it seems that every thing I see, everything I read, everything I hear is Filtered.
Is this really necessary?
Does this carry eternal significance?
How does this impact the big picture?
I’m full of looking for purpose and meaning in everything. Not just big meaning, but little ones. Trying to serve others, love others and show compassion and grace. Trying to work out the best, easiest, most effective way to leave a positive impact on the world.
Deep Existential Thoughts is both inspiring and exhausting. That alone is enough to keep my head full for days. But it gets squashed.
I really hate doubt. Whilst I’m thinking inspiring thoughts and trying to see the good in humanity, doubt sneaks in, completely unaware at first and counteracts Deep Existential Thought at every turn.
It tells me that I don’t have anything to offer. That even if I did, I don’t have the time, the resources or charisma to pull it off.
That I am small fry and a tiny little person in a great big world; I can not change anything. I can’t even inspire my children to clean their room without an argument or two, so how on earth can I possibly change the world?
How can I leave anything better than when I came?
Then Reality sets in. She sneaks up behind Doubt, and uses doubts tactics. When Doubt says ‘you can’t do anything,’ Reality says, ‘Yes. You can.’
When Doubt convinces me that I am tiny and insignificant, Reality agrees that yes, I am not a huge person with bucket-loads of influence.
That I may never be a huge person with bucket loads of influence.
But I am a person.
And I can make a difference, even if it is only to one person.
And maybe that one person will be the huge person with bucket-loads of influence.
Doubt tells me ‘you’re a bad mother. You don’t even want to listen to your kids, they exhaust you, and you are craving time by yourself! What kind of mother does that?’
Reality counteracts with ‘there is always room to improve, but it’s ok to fail. It’s ok to fall down so long as you get back up. It’s ok to want to be alone; to need time to be you apart from mum. You are more than a pro-creator.’
And then, gradually, if I listen to Reality long enough, if I allow her to take the good and the possible from Deep Existential Thoughts, and squash Doubt like a bug on my bathroom wall, then Mojo starts to come back.
Because at the end of the day, Reality, well Reality is truth.
And the Truth is what sets you free.