It’s 10:02 pm as I write this.
I’m munching on a peanut butter sandwich and enjoying a glass of white wine. Tomorrow I plan to get back on the healthy horse and start exercising again, so tonight seems like the best time to indulge. Plus I’m enjoying the quiet of the house and no little people interrupting me. It seems I get very little time to focus on my blog these days which makes me sad.
Having said that, I feel like I don’t get heaps of time for anything, and suddenly, I’m noticing that my kids are growing up right before my eyes.
How did this happen?
And how did I miss it?
Little Miss Ava is 3 going on 13, and needs some serious attitude intervention otherwise it’s entirely possible all hell may break loose in the not too distant future.
I saw BJ naked today for the first time in a while (I usually miss bath time cause I’m at work, and being 5, I’m increasingly giving him more and more privacy). He seems to have shot up crazily. He is long and lean and I can see what the teenage years hold for him.
Bridie apparently has a boyfriend. He’s a nice kid from a nice home, but Boatman is not impressed that the teacher had to address the kissing issue. Yep.
She is a gorgeous little thing, and reminds me very much of Boatman’s second cousin or whatever, who is an absolute stunner, so I thought we might have a few issues in the future. Not at seven.
And then there’s miss Taylah.
In the last week we have discussed the dangers of google, (In researching an assignment she inadvertently stumbled on ten ways to kill yourself. Charming.) whether or not she is actually fat, and the sex content evident in lots of songs she likes.
Every mother’s dream. (Or not….)
Thankfully, I have worked hard on building a relationship with her, so that she feels she can talk about this stuff. She’s not scared to ask the hard questions or say that compared to some other girl, she has big legs. It’s hopeful and heartbreaking all at once, and all I want as a mother is just to protect her from it.
Except I can’t.
Which then makes me ask the question, well what can I do?
I’d never wanted to be a working mum; couldn’t understand why anyone would. I’ve always loved just being a mum, and having a little bit of time for my hobbies on the side (Like blogging :)) Unfortunately, the budget hasn’t allowed me to stay home any more and that’s ok. I don’t mind doing the few shifts I do, and getting some time out. It’s good to feel like I’m contributing, and also to be a person for a little while.
But I feel like something has to give. I’m not doing anything as well as I would like, and I don’t have enough time.
Work seems to get the best of me, because I suppose it has to, whilst the house, my husband, my children and my writing lay neglected on the way side, hoping I’ll have a spare minute to fit them in. I’m more than convinced that something has to give. I’m just trying to work out how or why.
I can see that there have been definite positives to being home for so long with my eldest, meaning she is very open and ready to talk, and yet her sister, only three years behind, is keeping things from me. And I’ll admit they are different personalities and Bridie does keep things quieter, but I don’t want her to be like me as she grows; never really confiding the secret places of her heart, because she just felt like her mum was too busy.
As Taylah fast approaches the teenage years, and begins to establish her identity in who she is, and what she wants to become, she needs her mum by her side, to talk to through the whole thing. An impossible task I suppose when I’m serving people liquor 5 nights a week.
People often ask me how I cope with four kids, and I say in many ways it gets easier. There is a lot less that is required of you physically as children get older. But so much more is required mentally and emotionally, and I can’t let my commitment dwindle now.
I can’t let my commitment dwindle ever.
Nor do I want to.
So I sit here, at 10:20 PM, with a quiet house, enjoying the solitude and the glass of wine, wondering how to move forward, and where to go from here. Praying for some kind of wisdom to appear.
Knowing that whatever else comes, my heart stays true.
I want to be the best mum I can be.