Most people have in laws.
Most people have a strained relationship with their inlaws.
In other words, the thought of the parental’s of their other half coming and staying with them for any period of time, is enough to make them want to poke their eyes out with a fork.
Thankfully, I have not felt that inclination with it comes to MIL from the South, but for those of you that have, I have devised a list of suggestions that is sure to stop them from ever wanting you use your sweet abode as a place to rest their head.
Now, your going to have to put some work in to this; you can’t just expect miracles over night. But if you’re committed to keeping the relatives away, and your sanity intact, I think it’s going to be worth it.
First things first.
Most mothers in law are old. Sorry, but it’s true. They grew up in a time without Facebook or TV. For fun, they had to darn their own socks and stuff, and if it was a really good day they scrubbed the windows.
As a result, they like things to be clean.
Like eat off the ground clean.
So if you don’t want them around, you’re going to have to learn to ignore the cobwebs, the dust, and that layer of grime on the kitchen exhaust fan. I realise this may be hard for some, but I have the perfect distraction for you: children.
Which brings us to the second deterrent.
Now to be fair, the inlaws probably aren’t even going to notice you’re around until you have kids, cause they will be off on a cruise to the Maldives, or slumming it with French champagne in the Swiss Alps. Upon the gift of a grandchild however, you will find herself inundated with copious requests to visit all in the name of ‘lending a hand.’
The raising of the children can either make or break the amount of times these visits occur.
You need to find a delicate balance. Raising feral little smart alec’s that talk back, scream ‘no’ at the top of their voices, and generally leave a trail of destruction similar to that of a small tornado in their wake, is not going to help you or them. Rather, you may find yourself on the receiving end of many lectures beginning with the phrase ‘back in my day….’ or just rude comments on your parenting skills.
However, raising charming well mannered children that everyone can’t help but fall in love with, is probably not going to help either. Let’s face it, your offspring are ridiculously addictive as they are; they don’t need another draw card.
What you want, is to raise the kids seemingly perfect, but with a few small flaws.
Such as the ability to get sick.
Or forgetting to cover their mouths when they sneeze.
These two imperfections will be enough on their own to secure a ‘get rid of the in-laws’ card, ready to be used at a moments notice.
Or almost a moment.
Which bring us to the third, and final part of the plan.
Now, this takes commitment. You can’t expect to get rid of those old leeches quickly or easily. You’re going to have do it tough, and painful.
But the end is worth it.
Find out who amongst your friends, family, neighbors, weird mothers at playgroup, or random strangers on the street has Gastro, and spend time with them. Hold hands, share drinks, or maybe just give them a great big kiss. However you do it, you want to get hold of the bug that is making their insides turn themselves out, and make it yours.
Next, pass it on to the kids.
It won’t be pleasant, I know. Expect lots of washing and little sleep, but don’t forget your goal. Those sick kids can do what you will never do; throw themselves into the arms of unsuspecting grandparents, sneeze on them and pass on a million tiny, but powerful bacteria, guaranteed to fell a large wildebeest.
Or possibly just a white haired Poppy.
One visit from your infected children is likely to cause a second trip to be postponed.
A second infection will have them doubting whether they really need to see you for Christmas.
If, like us, you manage to infiltrate their immune system for a third consecutive time, I’m pretty sure you have guaranteed your own ‘in law immunity’ for life.
Of course, afterwards, you will want to do something thing nice so that you don’t look like a horrible hostess/daughter in law, so I would suggest choosing something from gifts online.
Perhaps a personalised bottle of wine for the ‘World’s Best Grandparents.’
Or a crate, to grow flowers in. Flowers which must be looked after and can never be left for an extended visit to your next of the woods.
Whatever you choose, it has to be good enough to make up for your sickly offspring, but remind them that they don’t really want to come back.
What gift can possibly erase the horror of a holiday stuck on the toilet?
Would you consider anything this extreme?
Well one, but I swear I didn’t plan it.