So last week was one of those weeks. You know the ones? Nothing huge happens, but all the tiny things build up and make you feel grumpy and frustrated and as if you’re failing at life.
I wasn’t actually failing at life. The fact that I was still breathing (and mostly Ventolin free) was proof of that. But I did have a few days, where I was ready to swap with someone else.
It’s funny isn’t it? When you stop and think about all the great things you have, and people you love, and the way you get to be you, there’s so much to be grateful for and you wouldn’t want to swap any of it. But when you’re not stopping and thinking it can all seem too much and leave you wanting things you actually don’t want.
Last week, I wanted to be someone else. Someone with different priorities who didn’t care so much about the things I care about; things that occasionally make me cranky about caring. I wanted to be phlegmatic and carefree. Not stressing about assignments or readings or my to-do list. Be one of those people who can sit down and watch Netflix for hours without feeling agitated and as if an entire day has been wasted.
Someone who doesn’t have a hundred story ideas in her head with not a spare moment to write them.
Someone who’s not overwhelmed by the idea of a pyjama day.
Someone who can relax and not be so focused all the time. Sometimes — a lot of the time — that focus frustrates me and I annoy myself.
Someone that updates Facebook more than four times a week with something better than a second rate comment that interests about four people. Or a blogger who writes book reviews! I had grand plans for that at the start of the year, but now I’m stuck in the middle of a series, and waiting to be done with it, and I haven’t written any reviews of any of it.
Funnily enough, that book series that I’ve been reading, got me thinking.
I started reading the Obernewtyn Chronicles when I was eleven, at the suggestion of my friend. I loved it, but then the author took an extended break from adding to the series, so it’s only been this year that I’ve actually got back to reading it again. If you haven’t heard of the series, the basic premise is that the main character, Elspeth Gordie, must save the world from a second nuclear holocaust. It’s all very Buffy-esque as she is the ‘One girl in all the world… she alone can save it from the Herders, the Council and the Great White.’
I’m up to the second last book, and I just want to be done, because I want to know what happens. I’m fairly certain that Elspeth will save the world from the holocaust because surely the author wouldn’t string everyone along for seven books and two decades only to have every thing dissolve in a nuclear disaster. No, what I am itching to find out is if the love story ever plays out the way I dearly hope it will. I don’t hold high hopes, based on the story thus far, but you never know.
Anyway, the love story is completely off the point I’m trying to make (though I feel like — and nearly did — writing a blog post just on that). The point is that much like Buffy and a host of other fictional characters that are probably more alike than a vampire slayer and a mind reading teenager from the future, saving the world is something only Elspeth can do. And likewise, that there are some things, that only I can do; not because I’m so wonderfully gifted that I am about to save the world from the Apocalypse (again), but because we are all uniquely gifted in certain ways that make the world a better place. To try to be anything other than what we are, is to do humanity a great injustice.
I am me. With my deep thinking and my love of learning and my desire to get dressed every morning and make the most of all the moments.
And sometimes that means I am overwhelmed by all the things. Or that I can’t be lighthearted enough for a funny facebook update. Or that I’m going to spend the next three months working out if fictional characters get their happy ever after, but that’s ok.
It’s good to be me.
No one else is quite the same.
Do you ever wish you weren’t quite who you are?
How good is it be who you are?