So apparently it’s the 3rd of December.
When did that happen? Anyone else sitting here wondering where the year went, and how they really hope no one ever discovers how much time of it was spent checking Facebook? 🙂
The other day I was hanging out my washing, and wondering about what next year would hold. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling particularly hopeful, because I feel that this year is ending in a rather undramatic fashion, and not setting me up with anything particularly wonderful, but it’s always good to start planning anyway right? So then I started thinking about what I want out of next year, and how I’m going to accomplish it. Do I have any goals? What are my words going to be for the year?
To be perfectly honest, at this point I’ve got nothing. But I’m blaming that to extreme fatigue from a crazy few weeks, and a desire to just make it through the day, rather than change the landscape of this place called earth. I’m usually aiming for the latter, but sometimes you just have to settle for what you can do, and if that’s getting washing in the machine, and dinner on the table, I think that’s a pretty great goal.
That wasn’t my goal at the start of the year though. I aimed a little higher than that. 🙂
Integrity is a hard thing to judge yourself on; I don’t think I’m equipped to declare if I have actually grown in that area of my life because integrity is generally a distinction others give you. But I can say this; I know I have been challenged in the area this year more than any other when it comes to my character. I’ve had people question who I am, what I do and what I believe in. I’ve been called all manner of names under the sun, some possibly deserved and others definitely not. I’ve been rubbished to my face, on a screen, through email and heard the whispers that come behind my back. And whilst I cannot say that I have responded perfectly, I have always used those moments to examine my heart, and who I am, and I can say with certainty, that I have stood in my integrity. I have not let the words change who I am. I have done my best to be a person of integrity, and the stretch it has pushed me to take, has been a good thing.
Which brings me to that other word; stretch. If only I could have realised how hard it would be, before I committed myself to that one, or maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway? What I see now though, is that this year has pushed me so hard, in ways I never thought it would. I thought it was tough, sleeping at the end of the world, but that was the easy part.
February through me back into the work force for the first time in 8 years, which was a huge adjustment. Suddenly all my time became infinitely more precious than ever before, and had to be used far more wisely. I learnt how to be techy when it doesn’t come naturally. I fought my fear of public speaking on more than one occasion. I opened my home to a person who needed it even when it tested all my patience to do so.
I learnt how to promote myself. I fought my own self fear and doubt and published my own book.
I have stretched myself by learning to speak when words are needed, be silent when they are not, over look careless offences, defend my honour when needed, be confident in who I am, understand that not everything is possible, look beyond myself at the plight of others, and cope with all the crap life throws at me. Even when, in weeks like this last one, I have had to visit the hospital twice with two children, negotiate school concerts, go above and beyond what’s required of me in my job, and send my husband interstate to deal with the fall out of all that drama on my own.
I have definitely stretched this year.
And I’m tired, and exhausted from it, unable to think about the year to come, but also oh so grateful, as I realise that I have enlarged my capacity, and am now capable of more than I was at this time last year. Still not perfect (far from it), but stronger, wiser and most importantly, not scared any more. The idea of being stretched used to terrify me; now I welcome it with a tired, but comfortable acceptance. Life is about growing and changing, and this year, I can hang my hat on knowing that despite all the things I have missed doing right, here is one thing I haven’t.
Where that leaves me for next year, I’m not entirely sure, and that’s ok. Yes, it feels as if things are winding down rather un-dramatically, with nothing grand on the horizon, and that I myself am rather undramatic in myself with not much to offer at this point. (Apart from perhaps a coffee.:) ) But the beautiful thing about looking back to look forward is that I can see that I am different. I am better. And I am strategically placed to be able to cope with whatever is coming next.
And that there, is quite possibly, the best place to be.
How are you feeling about this year gone and the one to come?
Apologies for not getting around to as much IBOT reading last week. I couldn’t quite stretch that far. But a huge thanks to the ever wonderful #teamIBOT for doing the job for me. Love you ladies. xxx