There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun…
A time to be born, and a time to die…
Eternity is a big word.
Unfathomable in it’s meaning.
Beyond our understanding.
Everything we know is finite. It’s starts and it ends. Even Tupperware, with it’s life time guarantee has an expiration point.
Nothing lasts forever.
I’ve been thinking lately, about eternity. About time and how fleeting it is. How quickly the hours become days, and the days become weeks. Months and then years pass us by, and it’s almost a case of blink and you’ll miss it. Today I realised that I can’t remember when Ava learnt to clap. Obviously she did, because she can, but when did that happen? Somewhere in the recent past, that memory has blurred in to the day to day realities of life with four children.
I’ve been living at half throttle. I’m not quite myself. I’m pretty good at pretending I am; I can act like I’m all there, but for the longest time half of me has been hiding. Hidden in a cave, deep down, where there is no chance of failure, and no reason for rejection.
Eight or nine years- I can’t really say, but I have lived with guilt, and fear, and afraid of who I really am. Terrified of who God has made me to be.
I thought I had dealt with this stuff, but I haven’t. It is still there, like muddied waters, ready to contaminate the whole stream. This past year I have hid it behind PND and busy-ness. I haven’t dealt with it. I have ignored it completely.
And yet here it is again, rearing it’s ugly head.
I made mistakes; I won’t tell them now, that is another post, but I have felt for the longest time that I couldn’t come back. I used them as an excuse to not move forward, to stay in the status quo.
I’ve used the PND in the same way. I’ve justified wasted time and opportunities, and just plain laziness because I can’t cope. Because I need a break. Because I need to do something for me.
Nothing wrong with all those reasons, but together they have given me an excuse to keep living like today is all there is. Like eternity is not even plausible.
But I see Eternity. I see it in my children. They are the future. The way they live, and love now, sets up the generations to come. Our values, our hopes, and beliefs continue because they are standards based on the eternal, and not a live for the moment rationale.
Living under a cloud, for what feels good, and what makes me happy, is not what I was made for. It is not who I am.
As a mother it means I am reactive in my parenting, instead of pro-active.
As a wife it means I am selfish in my requests and my demands; my needs come first.
As a person it means I am empty, and devoid of purpose.
As a Christian it means I am robbing God.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. (Ecclesiastes 3:11-13 TNIV).
What do I want from life? Do I want acclamation or fame? Do I want to be rich and successful? Do I want happiness and health?
The answer to all those questions, honestly, is yes.
But I don’t want to seek those things. I don’t want to spend my days trying to make people like me, or hoping to win approval by what I have and what I do.
I want the best thing about me to be what I believe. Because if I really believe what I say I do, and I am passionate about it, regardless of whether anyone ever knows my name, or I ever ‘do anything,’ with my life, I demonstrate faith to those around me. Faith, and tenacity, and perseverance. The ability to change; the power to make a difference.
And if today holds the power to change the future, maybe eternity is not such a big word after all. Maybe it’s just the beginning. Maybe it’s now, and how we move forward from here, is where we step towards tomorrow.
I’m choosing to change. I’m choosing to move forward, and embrace the fear. Deal with the rejection, ignore the insignificance. I’m choosing life, at full throttle, fully invested in who I am, like it or not.
I will try and ignore the temporary, and fix my eyes on the eternal.
I choose eternity.