So I had a bit of an Emo moment last week blogging wise, questioning the whole purpose and point and blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I just get sick of hearing myself think!
Anyway, it wasn’t so much a ‘I’m useless and no one reads me’ mantra, as I was questioning what to do when you start going backwards as opposed to forwards. It’s not about being the most popular, or having stats that make PR companies sit up and take notice. It’s about moving ahead. Possibly that didn’t come out the way I intended; probably because I talked about being a small fish in a big pond, which of course brings up the questions of popularity.
I’ve never been the popular girl. I was never in the ‘in’ crowd really. I distinctly remember at the tender age of five, being told by the girls I couldn’t play with them because I had the wrong colour slinky.
I thought that was stupid. What kind of rule was that?
So I went and played with someone else.
As I went through school, I was always friendly with the popular girls, but never in their group, and I had no desire to be. I had my group of friends, and as far as I was concerned, there were more fun.
Not much has changed. I still don’t want to be in ‘the popular group’ of blogging.
But if I’m really honest with myself, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be popular. It just means I want to be really awesome and well known for being me.
I had a moment on Monday, to realise though, how detrimental popularity can be.
There is a girl in Taylah’s class that she is friendly with. Let’s call her Taloola. (Cause why not?)
Talooola is….. Well let’s be honest. I don’t like her a whole lot. She is always causing trouble, being deliberately nasty, and is a polarizing force in the group of seven girls. If there is a fight, you can guess who is at the centre of it.
I’ve thought for a while, that it’s from a lack of confidence. She demands people pick favorites, she monopolizes new girls and won’t let the others talk to them, often lying about them to the newcomer. She tells the girls she hates them, and even that she hates their brothers, sisters and that their parents are stupid.
Like I said, not that nice.
Now Taylah, is quite the opposite. Of course I realise she is not perfect, but she is not a nasty person at all. It’s not in her nature. She is also confident. She is smart and athletic and kind and generally one of those really annoying people who is good at everything.
And no matter now Taloola treats her, she always forgives and is friendly.
On Monday we arrived at school at the same time as Taloola. The girls walked together, and as we neared the classroom, the other 5 friends came from the opposite direction. ‘Taylah! Taylah!’ they called out, and ran forward to hug her. In the midst of this girl crazy frenzy, I paused and looked at Taloola, as much a part of the group, standing with a smile on her face, but her arms crossed, saying quietly, “I’m here too.”
No one heard but me.
Now maybe this is the result of the way she has acted in the past.
Maybe I should be glad that it was Taylah who was accepted and not rejected.
But I felt nothing but pain. Because standing before me was a rejected little girl, alone in the throng of her friends.
Taylah is popular because of who she is. Not because she tries. It’s just natural.
Taloola tries and is left standing out.
And the reason she tries is because she lacks confidence. But the rejection hits and it becomes a vicious cycle.
In that moment, looking at that girl, and wishing that it would have meant something if I had said, ‘I see you,’ I realised popular is not something to wish for. Because even if you achieve it with a pure heart, it obviously means that someone is below you on the pecking order. Someone else is not good enough for everyone else. Someone else is trying to hold themselves together, so that no one else can tell they are falling apart.
And as far as I am concerned, that is too high a price to pay.
So screw popularity. Screw being a big fish or having a million page views a month, or seventy seven comments or thousands of facebook fans. Success is not measured by what you acheive; it’s determined by how confident you are in your own skin.
And you know what?
I’m flippin’ awesome.