There’s Grace for Today
I’ve been feeling a bit flat. So flat that yesterday, I actually wrote poetry for the first time in I don’t know how long. I considered posting it but then thought better of it. No one needs to read that.
It’s been a tough couple of weeks. It’s been a tough couple of years; it seems just as we get past one thing, we are dealing with something new, and each time it seems to get progressively harder. Just lately both Tim and I have been fairly…not quite sure what the word is. Frustrated maybe? Discouraged. We have been both frustrated and discouraged with the direction of our lives. We both believe firmly in having a vision and having direction, and yet every time we try and move forward, we are held firmly back. To make matters worse we are increasingly surrounded by people who make the same plans as us and actually do them, while we sit here going, ‘when’s it our turn God?’
So that has left us fairly stuck in terms of our accommodation, post code and Tim’s career direction, which is enough in itself to have one feeling a little down in the dumps. Add on to that a cold, misbehaving toddlers, and not enough money in the bank, and anyone can see how I ended up at flat.
And that’s before I even mention what has been happening with Bridie.
For about the last nine months she has been complaining of stomach pains on and off, and head aches for probably the last three. After several doctors visits, they believe she may have coeliacs disease. Last Saturday we took her for the obligatory blood test, and I was told yesterday that we needed to come and see the doctor to get the results. In other words, they have found something but they can’t tell me on the phone.
So I did some research online last night and discovered that if the blood test comes back positive, a gastroscopy (or possibly endoscopy, not sure what the difference is), is necessary to determine if it is coeliacs or simply gluten intolerance. Although the treatment is the same, it’s important to know the difference because coeliacs can bring with it a host or other issues.
Now Bridie has been under a GA three times before, so she knows what it’s like, and she hates it. The thought of having to tell her she would have to undergo one again moved me to tears. How do I do that? Besides that, she can’t begin to undergo a gluten free diet until after the procedure. Doctors being how they are, that could mean another two months of pain, and she is already at the point of wanting to stay home from school.
It is one thing to live in pain yourself; it is something entirely worse to watch your child do it, and know that if maybe you had done something earlier, it wouldn’t be like it is today.
Now objectively, I know that I am getting myself worked up over a bunch of ‘what it’s?’ however, I’m not feeling very objective right now. Right now I am feeling flat. Run over with a steam roller flat. Found it hard to pick up my bible this morning because I just can’t seem to find any answers and that is so depressing when you are confounded by questions. I apologised to God. Told him I was sorry and I know better, but today, just today, I can’t do it. Today I am just trying to make it through.
Any you know what He said?
‘There is grace for today.’ Which is nice enough on it’s own right, but it was the way it was said.
Like God himself knew how hard I was finding today. Knew how much I was struggling in general. For the first time in a while I remembered that God cares in an intimately personal way, not just a ‘save the whole world’ kind of way.
Which is actually an answer to my depressing poem, so maybe I’ll post it after all.
So anyway, I have said all that to say this. God’s grace is always available, and it is always enough, but I believe that sometimes, he pours out an extra measure just when we need it most.
Tomorrow we see the doctor and that will bring with it what it will. But today, there is enough grace to get me through.