I can’t do it today. Today is too hard. Today I am empty.
And yet, so incredibly full.
My chest feels like it might explode, and my medication seems to be doing very little because of the simple fact that despite the fact that she wants to eat, Ava has completely rejected my breast.
And it feels a lot like she is rejecting me as well.
Bridie didn’t want to go to school today, so it took forever to get her ready.
Taylah spent all morning fiddling with her new iPod which she got for her birthday, so it took forever to get her ready.
Bailey has been on the war path since five thirty this morning. Determined to argue and scream his way through the day.
And Ava…Ava has a new tooth, and a cold, and is miserable, and the only thing I know how to do to make it better, she won’t let me do.
Today I am empty. But the washing baskets are full cause the weekend was spent on the couch. The ironing is overflowing, and there are toys on the floor.
Today I am empty. I am down and miserable and SO OVER IT! And then my medication must kick in and I feel light hearted and chipper. It’s confusing. As if I have a cranky, tired mini mummy with sore boobs on one shoulder, telling me it’s too hard, and a medicated, drugged up happy mummy on the other, who says put on Taylah’s iPod and dance away your troubles.
I keep oscillating between the two, and I don’t know how I feel.
Today I can’t see the point. What is the purpose of a ‘nursing strike?’ Why would a baby whom up until this point hated the bottle, suddenly decide that’s all they want? I’m trying to find the lesson in this, sure there is something I can learn, someway it will make me a better human being, but right now I am a heartbroken mummy. Why doesn’t she want me anymore?
Today I need to go shopping. Because the bottles we have are made out of BPA plastic, or whatever it’s called; the bad stuff anyway. The plastic that Europe has banned and shipped to us ignorant Aussies, that will apparently give our babies cancer and all sorts of other issues. A week ago, this wouldn’t have mattered. Three days ago, this wouldn’t have mattered. But today, this becomes a matter of extreme importance.
Today I am empty. Not even the thought of a legitimate need to go to the shops can cheer me up.
Today it hurts to hold my baby. My kids can’t hug me without me wincing in pain, and yesterday, on Taylah’s birthday, I hold to hold my boobs while I ran around in the water balloon fight. I have thought about going to the hospital; but then I think if I do that, it I’ll really be over. I’ll have to actually stop. Whilst on Saturday that didn’t sound too bad, today it is cataclysmic.
Because today I am empty.
Today my mind is empty, but my heart is full. Full of love, and fear, and disappointment. Love for this beautiful girl that I have been given;
Fear because I’m not ready to let her grow up;
Disappointment because I’ve spent so much of her life feeling empty.
Today I feel empty, but today is a day for moving forward. To accept what has been given, and trust God even when I don’t feel like it. Today is a day to cry, and weep, and mourn what is being lost, but it is also a day to try, somehow, to enjoy what is coming. To delight in the freedom of not having to nurse. To enjoy the fact that I never have to feel the pain of engorged breasts again. To be mesmerised by this little person who grows up more every day. She has learnt a new word almost every day this week, and yesterday made her first attempts at walking.
Today is so very bittersweet.
Today, yes I am empty.
But by the grace of God, today, I am also so incredibly full.