So I had a post for today. Or rather two half posts that didn’t quite combine to make a full one, which is a little bit rude really, and left me floundering for words. And then someone on the NaNoWriMo forums suggested my character write a blog post, and I use that. (And also because it could technically count towards my word score if I needed it too.) It was an appealing idea, not least because I was so close to finishing the story, that anything else seemed dull and boring, but also because my main character would NEVER write a blog post. And trying to make her write one could be fun.
Provided I could keep it spoiler free, which was easier said than done.
But I plodded along and got it done, and so for IBOT today, I present to you a teaser.. it’s not part of the book, but it might give you an idea of it anyway. For the two people who seemed vaguely interested…
I miss Dante.
I miss my friend.
I think about calling her, but what would I say? How do you say sorry for doing what I did? How do you make that better?
You can’t. At least I don’t think you can.
You think that the moments of your life that will change you, will be the big moments. Your wedding. The birth of your children. Your salvation.
But more often than not, the big moments are the small moments. The time someone forgets to call. The birthday that was never celebrated. The news you shared that went uncared about. Or the careless remark about you. The sharing of a secret that you thought would stay hidden.
All the tiny moments, that make you believe in who you are and what the world’s about, and change you. And it. Without you ever realising.
No, I can’t call Dante.
It makes me wonder about friendship. How is something so carefully built, so wonderfully guarded also so fragile? How can it end? How does anything end? What makes one person decide that something is over, and can you change their mind? And should you even want to, if, they have reached that point. Or is it time to move on?
There was a moment, a few months back, when everything seemed right, and I knew how the world was supposed to go. I understood my place in it. How do things change so quickly? It’s like, “BAM!” and suddenly you’ve turned around one-eighty degrees and you don’t have any idea where you are any more. And your best friend is gone, and the boy… the boy who could be the love of your life, now seems so far away. Not because he left you, but because you left him, and you didn’t even realise you were doing it.
I wish that I had realised I was doing it.
If Dante was here, if I could talk to her, she would tell me that it’s all a figment of my imagination; that it’s not true. I am not lost, I am not alone, and no one has left me. She would tell me that I’m just not seeing things for how they are, and that I need to change my perspective. And she would be right, and I would nod and agree, and then we would drink coke and eat pasta and laugh about how I manage to make all the little things, really big things. Except she wouldn’t say that, because she only ever sees the best in me.
Not like me. I only ever see the bad. In me, and, it seems, in her.
It’s like I was waiting for her to fail, and when she finally did, I packed my bags and left.
And now Dante is gone.
Or I’m gone.
And the boy… he’s gone too.
And I don’t know how to get back.
So.. what do you think?
And BTW, after 24 days and 116 844 words, I’m done. 🙂
Writing feels good.