Do you ever get sick of the sound of your own voice? And it doesn’t even have to be your actual voice, but your inner one? I think I’ve spent too many nights not having any one to talk to (Go to bed now!!!!! Doesn’t count) and I’m just over hearing myself think.
It makes it very hard to blog really, because I don’t want to read anything I’ve written, so then I think, ‘why would anyone else?!’
I could write about so much fluff. I did think about it, because thinking deep thoughts needs avoiding these days. And yet I feel like I’m still just skimming the surface. Treading water and not diving in. There’s stuff deep down that needs attention, and instead I just want to talk about how annoying cyclones can be when they are preventing your husband from coming home on time, or how frustrated I am that I stuffed up my knitting in the biggest way possible, and can’t seem to fix it. All those things fight for my attention and I let them because if I go deep, and there’s no one here to pull me out, maybe I’ll get lost.
You need to people to pull you out.
Taylah started cheerleading on Saturday, and we all went to watch her very first class. I had no doubts in my mind that she can do it, but Bridie wants to do gymnastics and I keep wondering if she is coordinated enough. To be frank, she’s not from the most nimble of families. ‘Maybe she would be better suited to something else?’ I thought.
But as we sat there and watched Tay learn her first routine, I found myself itching to get in and give it a go, and I felt like a ten-year old all over again. I actually might have joined in, if I hadn’t looked too ridiculous doing it. 😉 It made me think though, that I never had that opportunity as a kid, and maybe it’s because no one thought I would have what it takes. And let’s be fair, and let’s be honest, because I’m never going to be a famous athlete or wear green and gold and represent Australia, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have given it a go. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have had a lot of fun trying.
It made me think that there is something to be said for knowing your kids strengths and weaknesses and guiding them in the right area. But the real strength of a parent knows that strengths and weaknesses actually mean squat diddly if you have passion and character. because passion can propel you further than strength alone can, and way past where weakness would have left you for dead. And character is what will keep you in that place. You can’t get very far without either of those things.
And so the water in my brain swirls ever downwards, pulling me to those deep thoughts, asking those questions, “what are you so passionate about doing, that it doesn’t matter how limited or how talented you are? What could drive you beyond that? And what are you doing, as a person, to better yourself so that you can get there, and do it well?”
In the last three weeks I’ve tried a few different things to keep my mind off the loneliness that is sole parenting, and I’ve found that whilst I enjoy the ways to pass the time, nothing lights a fire in my belly. All the little things I would steal moments for before just for joys sake, become pointless and monotonous when you can do them all the time. My quilt lies on the table ready for work, but with no further inspiration. My knitting was distracting my busy fingers until it all unraveled. Literally. Facebook gets boring after a while, and none of my friends hang out on twitter anymore. I’m about ready to delete candy crush since I’m quite certain the level I’m on is impassable. Sheer stubbornness is the only thing from stopping me now.
All of those things are the things I enjoy; the things I make time for. But all of them lie on the surface of me; like the random thoughts about cyclones or considering the fate of The Hunger Games series now. They don’t touch the deep part of me.
They aren’t who I am.
They aren’t what I was supposed to do.
Deep calls to deep.
And I sit here sifting through the surface, afraid to dive in.