Some of you may not know, but very occasionally I write for another blog called The Soul of My Feet, which is a blog aimed primarily at Christian ladies. This year, the lady who founded The Soul of my Feet, has started up a Facebook group, (as well as off-line communities), based around a bible reading plan called REAP. Without going into too much detail (you can find it here if interested), we all have a REAP journal which tells us what to read on a particular day, and we chat about the particular readings online.
Part of my ‘blogging responsibilities’ (for lack of a better word), mean that hopefully at least once a month, I come up with a new article based on the current passages for the week. So the other day, I was doing my reading, and I came across something that spoke really strongly to me, and I was immediately inspired to blog about it. Finding the time, I pulled out the computer, and start typing away, only to get three paragraphs in and decide it was absolute rubbish.
Not the idea; the idea was great. The writing itself was terrible.
So I tried rewriting it. And rewriting it, and rewriting it. And every time I did it sounded just as bad as the first time, and so I gave up, and called it a day. Clearly my inspiration was less inspiring than I first thought.
Now anyone who writes knows that you have these days, and it’s frustrating, but you deal with it and move on. But this was on the back of a few days of blog frustration. I had been wanting to write last week; I had lots to say, but quite honestly, I didn’t want anyone to read it. Or I did, but I didn’t want anyone I know to read it. I was having a moment of wishing for anonymity so that I could pour out my heart and not have everyone thing I was on the verge of a breakdown, or whatever. (I’m not. Just had a rough few days.) So not being able to say what I needed to, and then not being able to write what I wanted to, was just leaving me really frustrated. It’s a blogger’s worst nightmare.
On top of this, last week I had a lovely lady from a Christian Magazine call me to interview me for an article she is doing on Christian Mummy Bloggers, and one of her questions was that lovely confronting one: ‘where do you see your blog going?’
To which I replied, ‘I honestly don’t know.’ I’ve had moments of great blogging clarity in the past, but currently, I’m just trying to work out what street I’m on in the new town we’ve moved to, so I don’t have a spare brain cell to consider what is the future of Essentially Jess right now.
Except that of course since then, all I can think about is the future of Essentially Jess. And the fact that I have no clear goals for it at all at the moment, which makes me feel like a huge failure.
So I started to think about that inspirational thing I wrote, and how great it really was, and this made me want to write a post about it again, which I was trying to concoct in my head, when the truth hit me: The inspiration I had drawn from my REAP reading was inspirational; but it was inspirational for ME.
It was what I needed to read, and what is helping me right now. And when I use that little verse and look at all the aspects of my day at the moment; the writing of a blog and the getting lost in the streets of a new town, and all the things in between, it makes perfect sense.
But for me.
It actually doesn’t need to be shared right now. Here or anywhere else. Maybe in the future, but not now. Same with my emo ‘I hope no one ever reads this so I won’t write it’ post. That also doesn’t need to be published. For now it’s mine and that’s ok.
It got me thinking that it’s ok to not blog everything. We don’t have to. Writers generally want to write through every single emotion they have ever, but sometimes the words don’t have to be written. Or they don’t have to be shared. Sometimes the stillness of silence is actually far more comforting. Sometimes realising that what we want to give to everyone, may not be appreciated because it was just meant for us. Not all the time, but sometimes.
And so with that thought in mind, and my moment of clarity inspired from my REAP reading, I actually now have blog direction, life direction, and with google maps I’m doing ok with the street directions too.
Keeping things to myself, never felt so good.