So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31
I have been feeling very insignificant. I don’t really have a good explanation as to why I feel this way, I just do.
Nothing is cut and dried. There never seems to be an easy answer or way of doing things. I’m finding so often with the kids these days that I am looking at them and thinking ‘where did that come from?’ Even Taylah has been repenting in tears, saying ‘I don’t know why I did that!’ Each morning brings with it new challenges and obstacles, and can I just ask the question, WHEN DOES IT STOP?
My days are filled with what appears at times, to be completely pointless activities. Take washing clothes for example. You wash them, hang them out, iron them if needed, put them away, and then they get dirty again and you start the whole process all over again. You can NEVER get on top of this process, unless you throw away every item of clothing you own, and go and live in a nudist colony where it is warm enough to not need bedding, but not so hot that you need constant showers, and therefore towels.
Floor cleaning also seems pointless. I am doing it constantly at the moment, as there is nothing like a crawling child to highlight just how dirty the floors are. However it doesn’t seem to matter how many times I sweep, vacuum and mop, Ava still ends up with dirt in her fat rolls.
Character training is also seemingly pointless at this time. All the hard work we have put into Bridie over the last few years appears to have fallen out of her head and heart, clouded by the constant fatigue that has come from full time school. It’s like the skills of reading and writing have taken up the space in her brain that used to understand kindness to her brother, or basic obedience.
When I look at all the things it is that I do, and the way I define myself, I don’t seem to be having very much success. My house is dirty, my clothes are unwashed, and my kids are tired, grumpy, and just generally ratty.
The one thing that does seems to be doing ok is this blog, and crazily enough, that just seems to make me feel even worse.
Up until last thursday I had only had twenty one views, and that was ok, cause I hadn’t actually told anyone about it. The truth of the matter is I can’t imagine that anyone would actually want to read anything I have to write. I’m not being modest in saying that; just truthful. God has some inferiority issues in me to work on.
Yesterday, a week later, my views were up to 124. That’s an increase of 500%, which would look really good if I had a business and that translated to money.
Tim is very excited for me. He thinks I am just wonderful, and his new favourite saying is ‘just blog about!’ It doesn’t seem to matter what I say, Tim sees a blog topic.
The problem is that the idea of ‘just blogging about it,’ doesn’t appeal very much. It just puts me under all this pressure to think about what to write, and then try and evaluate my audience so I know what I should be writing and to whom. Which is just about an impossible thing to do. How do you know who reads what on the Internet? I’ve had hits from Canada, North America, South Korea and India, but who knows why? Where they intentional? Or just random hits made through the wonder that is google?
Or maybe God directed them there for whatever reason it is that He has.
This morning as I was driving Taylah to school (kept Bridie home for a rest day), I was planning on having a writing free day. It just all seemed like too much. But then I remembered why it was that I started writing in the first place.
A week and a half ago I didn’t care who had read what, or when or what I next had to post. I just wanted to honour God and do something I thought he wanted me to do. And that objective shouldn’t change because you clicked onto a link that you probably saw on face book.
Furthermore, that should be my objective in everything I do. The washing, the floor cleaning and the character training should all be done with the purpose of bringing God glory. There might be a thousand seemingly pointless moments or tasks in my day, not just as a mother, but as a human being, but God relishes when I offer the pointlessness to Him, because he sees the point.
Plus it’s nice to know that at least someone can vouch for the fact that I cleaned the floors, even when all the evidence points to the contrary.
There is a very real chance that no one will ever read this. Like Tim said, ‘if you post a new blog and no one reads it, you know they didn’t really like the other ones, and were just curious.’ Well that’s ok with me. I want my life to be something I do for God, regardless of what anyone else sees, thinks or reads. He gave me everything when He sent His Son to die on the cross, and since I don’t have much to offer back, I choose to give him all the mindless details of my day. And I choose to give him this blog, regardless of who, or who doesn’t read it.
And because of that, when He gives me something to write…
I’ll just blog about it.