What is it about life that it never seems to go the way you planned? When you’re little everyone tells you you can be anything you want to be, and do anything you want, when really that is not the case. There are so many variables that not only effect our decisions, but who we are, and it can almost feel like we have no control whatsoever.
I have been feeling really good about writing lately; feeling like I am doing something. Encouraging the odd person here and there, and just enjoying the process. When I was little I always wanted to write- hadn’t heard of blogs then, so it’s slightly different, but fulfilling nonetheless.
But then yesterday happened, and everything changed.
I had been kind of nervous about posting after Tim’s comment to me the other day that the casual blog observer might come to the conclusion that I am depressed.
‘Well I am!’ was my reply. But nevertheless I am trying to be more up beat and positive, which has been a challenge.
But then yesterday I received some feed back from my book which was useful, and helpful, and very constructive…but also really hard to hear. And it made me question, why I am doing this? Does anyone really care about my crazy life or my children? Am I just depressing everyone who takes the time to read this?
So yesterday I decided to stop writing. Just give up. Cause that’s what you do isn’t it? When life gets tough you just stop trying.
But that’s like a life without cheese.
Bridie has been having some health problems on and off pretty much since she was born, and after many doctors visits, blood tests, ultrasounds, a gastroscopy and visit to the nutritionist, we have finally determined that she is casein intolerant. (Casein is the protein found in cows and goats milk.) What that means is that every time she consumes any thing with milk product in, she gets horrible tummy cramps.
The solution is to just remove her completely from dairy, and the problem stops.
Bridie lives a life without cheese, and according to my dad, that is a truly horrible life to live.
Not being the biggest cheese fan, I don’t get it personally. I myself have been refraining from dairy for a while because it upsets Ava. Only recently has she been able to cope with it, without vomiting or diarrhoea.
I’ve also recently taken Bailey off it, because he was complaining of a sore tummy, and he just does much better with out it.
These days we are pretty much a dairy free household, and no one really misses it.
But there are other things. Bridie has problems with her ear, and it is infected again. This morning I lined up my four year olds medications like she was eighty four. An antibiotic for the infection, and ear drops as well. Her calcium tablet because she can’t eat cheese, and a teaspoon of inner health plus for kids, to replace the bacteria the antibiotic is killing, cause she can’t eat yoghurt.
Instead of cheese we have tablets and powder.
I’d rather have cheese.
When I think about the comments I received yesterday, and the temptation to quit is overwhelming, I have to remember why I am doing this in the first place. Am I trying please people? Or God?
You should know me well enough by now to know the answer.
But the question goes deeper. If I stop writing now, what am I trading it for? What changes? Do I want to spend the rest of my life in fear of what people think? Do I want to double guess every off hand comment or remark? Do I want to be ruled by self doubt?
And the answer to that is no. I do not want a life without cheese.
That would be like a life without God. And I’ve seen people try and do that too. But there is always some substitution. Horoscopes, or money or lots and lots of stuff. And fear, and doubt and wondering if you’re ever good enough.
Let me ask this question. If you can eat cheese, why would you have a calcium tablet?
Why the substitution when you can go straight to the source?
This may be depressing. It may be not. I don’t feel qualified to judge any more.
But this is also a victory. This is me getting back on the horse, and saying ‘I don’t care.’
This is who I am. This is who God made me to be. And it may not be what I planned, but it is what He planned, and when he plans things he says,
‘it is very good.’
Our house may be dairy free, but my heart is full of cheese. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.